The Podcast

We don’t outgrow ADHD, we simply change with it. Join hosts Jami and Justin as we explore the intersection of ADHD and seniors.

Episode 65 – Why People With ADHD End Up in Toxic Relationships?

What if the chaos in your relationships wasn’t your fault — but a pattern your ADHD brain was wired to fall into?

In this powerful and honest conversation, Jami sits down with licensed therapist, ADHD coach, and domestic violence survivor Kate Mageau to unpack the complicated link between ADHD and toxic relationships — especially for women over 50 who were never taught what “healthy” actually looks like.

Kate shares her personal story of surviving emotional and physical abuse, how late-diagnosed ADHD shaped her relationship patterns, and why so many ADHD women fall hard and fast into unsafe dynamics without realizing what’s happening.

This episode is real, validating, and filled with those “wait… THAT’S me” moments.

Together, Jami and Kate talk about:
 • why ADHD brains are more vulnerable to love bombing and trauma bonding
 • how late diagnosis (often in our 40s and 50s) changes everything
 • anxious attachment, shame, and the urge to “earn” love
 • why calm can feel boring when you’re used to chaos
 • red flags, green flags, and how to trust your body again
 • breaking generational patterns and healing without blaming yourself

And of course… Kate answers the famous Button Question: “If you could erase your ADHD forever… would you?”

Disclaimer:

This episode is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. If you are in an unsafe relationship, please seek support from a licensed professional or local support services.

ADHD, Toxic Relationships & Learning to Trust Yourself Again

Have you ever looked back at a relationship and wondered, “Why did I stay so long?” or “Why do I keep choosing the same kind of people?” For many women with ADHD — especially those diagnosed later in life — the answer isn’t weakness. It’s wiring.

In this episode of Grandma Has ADHD, Jami sits down with licensed therapist, ADHD coach, and author Kate Mageau to talk about the powerful connection between ADHD, trauma bonds, and toxic relationship patterns.

This is not a surface-level conversation. It’s real, validate-your-life, “that explains so much” kind of real.

Why This Conversation Matters

Many adults over 50 lived most of their lives without knowing they had ADHD. They learned to overfunction, people-please, mask, and blame themselves for everything that felt “hard.”

That same wiring often shows up in relationships.

This episode explores:

  • Why ADHD brains are more vulnerable to love bombing – 
     When attention feels like oxygen and connection feels intoxicating, it’s easy to confuse intensity with safety.
  • How trauma bonds keep people stuck in unhealthy relationships – The cycle of tension, emotional pain, and “honeymoon” moments can feel addictive — especially to a brain that craves dopamine.
  • Why calm relationships can feel uncomfortable at first – Many ADHD women are used to chaos, urgency, and emotional highs and lows. Peace can feel foreign before it feels safe.
  • How shame and childhood messaging shape adult partnerships – Years of being told “you’re too much” or “you’re wrong” teach people to settle, stay quiet, and work harder for love.

In This Episode You’ll Learn

• Why ADHD makes love bombing feel irresistible
 • What trauma bonding actually is (and how it forms)
 • Red flags that often show up early in unhealthy relationships
 • Green flags that signal emotional safety and respect
 • Why object permanence affects relationships, not just clutter
 • How anxious attachment develops in ADHD women
 • Why so many ADHD adults mistake chaos for chemistry
 • How to stop blaming yourself for staying too long
 • What real emotional safety should feel like
 • Kate’s honest answer to the “Erase Your ADHD” button

If you’ve ever thought, “Maybe it was my fault” — this episode will help you rewrite that story.

You’re Not Broken — Your Brain Was Just Never Understood

You weren’t “too much.”
You weren’t “bad at relationships.”
You weren’t “failing.”

You were doing the best you could with a brain that was never explained to you.

Once you understand how ADHD impacts dopamine, attachment, boundaries, and self-trust, you can stop shaming yourself and start healing with clarity and compassion.

This episode is an invitation to feel seen, safer in your body, and more confident in your choices.

Resources & Links Mentioned:

licensed therapist, ADHD coach, and domestic violence survivor Kate Mageau

Listen Now!